Heather

Writing is difficult

For my whole life, writing has come pretty easy to me. I’ve written a lot of stuff.

But lately, writing has been difficult. In fact, reading has been difficult as well. I stopped writing and reading stuff I wanted for a few months in order to write and read stuff that was required for school.

And now–this may sound a little strange–I feel like I have no idea how to write anymore.

I look at my blog and think about what I’m going to write, and I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I haven’t felt like writing a lot about what is happening in my life. I don’t have many ideas to write about other things. I feel lost.

In fact, I am sort of lost in life in general, and maybe that is my problem. I’m starting my last semester of my undergraduate schooling on Tuesday, and then I’ll graduate in May, and I feel at least a little disconnected about where I’m going and what I’m doing.

Basically, I had life all figure out in my head through graduating from college. All that was smooth sailing. I never had to make very many decisions in life, and the road stretched out clearly before me.

But now things are much more uncertain. I’ll graduate, and then I have to make decisions about where I want to go. I feel a little lost.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons I am finding it difficult to write. For most of my life, I’ve been content to live at least partly in fictional worlds. But lately, the fiction hasn’ t interested me as much. My own life has been more interesting,  confusing, adventurous, and unexpected than any fictional book could be. In so many different levels.

I’m not sure what I want to blog about anymore. I’m not sure what I want.

This is how I feel:

There’s been a change in me

A kind of moving on

Though what I used to be

I still depend on

For now I realize

That good can come from bad

That may not make me wise

But oh it makes me glad

And I– I never thought I’d leave behind

My childhood dreams

But I don’t mind

For now I love the world I see

No change of heart a change in me

For in my dark despair

I slowly understood

My perfect world out there

Had disappeared for good

But in it’s place I feel

A truer life begin

And it’s so good and real

It must come from within

And I– I never thought I’d leave behind

My childhood dreams but I don’t mind

I’m where and who I want to be

No change of heart

A change in me

No change of heart

A change in me

(From Beauty and the Beast, by the way.) They said it right. When you are young, all those dreams are distant, so it easy to keep them. And as I’m getting older, life and reality comes at you. Life can be a lot better than I expected too, so it isn’t a bad thing.

But right now, it’s just being hard to keep writing and doing all those things I used to like so much and now . . . I’m not so sure.

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