Heather · Musings

A personal update

I’ve had a bit of a difficult time lately with some mental health issues and difficulties dealing with parts of my life. It’s hard to talk about, even with people who are close to me, and hard to talk about when I feel completely rational and I start making good choices in my life. I have been quite inconsistent lately, leading to an instability in my house that has been difficult for everyone.

But I am trying to be patient with myself and treat myself kindly, even if I perhaps don’t always feel like I deserve it. I have many questions in life that I simply don’t have the answers to: why is it so easy to make good choices sometimes and it is so hard at other times? How much does accountability have to do with the hardness of the choice or simply the results of the choice? How do you adequately deal with the feeling that you’ve wasted other people’s time and hurt them, and that the past could have been something different?

I can’t change the past, but I can choose to do what I can now, and that is enough because that’s all I have. My self, my person, feels like a sum of everything that has ever happened to me, and maybe it is–but I am also the person sitting here and making decisions in this moment. And those two perspectives of self fight against each other sometimes–how can I truly be better if I know where I’ve been? How can I see myself as a better person when I have such evidence of my inadequacy?

There are difficult parts of life–circumstances can be difficult, but dealing with your own self can be incredibly difficult as well. Circumstances can change. And you can change your self as well, but that seems quite a bit harder because we often don’t notice the changes that occur, instead stuck in that version of self that is the sum of what has already happened.

But I think what I am is what I am now, not what I was before. And while what I am is based on what I was, my previous choices are no longer a part of me, just the way I got here. I can choose something different now.

(I didn’t meant this to be philosophical–it is just what happened when you right a blog post after reading 100 pages of a book on justice: The Idea of Justice by Amartya Sen. I’m enjoying reading the book, though I wish I had more time with it until I have to return it to the library.)

And back to what this post was going to be about: I’m doing pretty good now, but had a difficult time for a moment. I am hopeful for a bright future, enjoying the spring flowers and rain, and I love being a wife and a mother above everything else.

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